FIVE THINGS I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO BUT CAN’T, FROM LEAST TO MOST DIFFICULT

5.  Sing song lyrics correctly

I get called out all the time for this.  I remember years ago my husband and I were in the car listening to an Alanis Morrisette song. 

Me: (singing loudly)  “Does she speak Ebequenese?”

Brian: “What did you say?”

Me: (annoyed at my singing being interrupted)  “What?”

Brian:  “What is the line you just said?”

Me:  “Does she speak Ebequenese?”

Brian (laughing): “It’s “does she speak eloquently.”

Me:  “Seriously? I don’t think so.  I sing this song all the time.”

Brian:  “Yes, seriously.  What the heck is Ebequenese?  It’s not even a word.”

Me (sheepishly):  “I thought it was the language of a country I’d never heard of.  But, yeah, I guess eloquently makes more sense.”

There have been many, many of those sorts of conversations over the years.

 4.  Pronounce the word “familiarity”

I know the definition. I can spell it perfectly.  I just literally can’t say it.  Don’t know why, it just won’t roll off my tongue.  Every couple of years my family tries to make me say it and then marvels when I still cannot.          

3.  My 6th grader’s math homework

In 1982 I was a straight A sixth grade student.  In 2014 I cannot understand even the instructions in the sixth grade math book.  Has math changed since the 80’s?  How could MATH change?  The only explanation is that I have become dumber, which makes me sad.  Thank God I married a math and science geek who can even help my daughter with high school geometry.  Remember that, all you young and single people (none of whom would actually read my blog)…consider mathematical ability when choosing a mate.  Your future children will thank you.

 2.  Score above 10 on Flappybird

Damn you, you crazy little addictive game.  My 5 year old’s high score is 43.  I have the lowest high score of anyone I have ever met, young or old, that has played the game.

1.  Open the thin little produce bag you pull off the roll at the grocery store

What is the deal with this?  Am I the only one who stands there like a moron for what seems like an eternity trying to open that stupid bag?  I check and double check that it’s “THIS SIDE UP” and then I pull at it and pick at it every which way and it just will NOT open.  I feel like I’m on candid camera, like people are snickering at me from behind the potatoes.  The other day I got so frustrated that I recklessly threw down the bag and just let my fruits and vegetables roll all naked and willy nilly down the conveyor belt at the checkout stand, like uncivilized little produce savages.