MIA MAMMA ITALIANA (MY ITALIAN MOTHER)

My parents grew up in the Bronx, New York, as next door neighbors (yes, my mom literally married “the boy next door”).  They are 100% Italian and grew up in a neighborhood of other Italians.

I’m sure they thought that everybody woke up to the smell of “gravy” cooking on Sunday mornings in preparation for the 3:00 dinner with 19 other relatives.  They probably assumed that kids all over the country had meatball sandwiches and pignoli cookies in their lunchbox.  That everybody’s mom shopped at nine different places to put a meal together….the meat from Tony the butcher, the veggies from Sal the produce guy, the cookies from Joe at the bakery, etc.  That it was normal for families to scream and yell and gesture wildly during meals and for mothers to chase them around the house with wooden spoons and other impromptu weapons of torture.

And if my parents had stayed in the Bronx, I might have grown up thinking my family was like all the rest.  But my parents relocated us to Orange County, California….where it quickly became evident that my family was not the norm.

Let me rephrase that.  More specifically, “one of these mothers is not like the others”. For anyone who has ever been driven crazy by their mother, I hope you can relate.  Read on for some examples of…

“THINGS OTHER MOMS DIDN’T DO”

1. Other moms did not make their child’s friends WASH THEIR UNDERARMS AND FEET when they came over for a play date after school.  “You girls stink”, she would say.  “You have B.O. and I don’t know if it’s your underarms or your feet so go wash them both”. And, totally mortified, I would take my friends into the bathroom to wash up.  And I would wonder if anyone would ever want to come over to my house again.  But somehow, they always came back…probably because we had good snacks.

2. Other moms did not picket at school and start a petition when their youngest daughter was not named 8th grade valedictorian.

3. Other moms did not hire a stripper for their son’s family-friendly 18th birthday party in the backyard.  Because, what boy wouldn’t want his MOTHER there when interacting with a stripper?

On a similar note, other moms did not also hire a stripper for their daughter’s 21st birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Las Vegas with her boyfriend and all four grandparents present.

Strippermeme
And finally, other moms definitely did not hire an older, unattractive man to come dressed as a pink monkey for their 3 year old grandson’s birthday party and then….surprise!….take off his monkey suit to double as a stripper for the 21st birthday of her youngest daughter, terrifying all children (and adults)  in attendance.

4.  Other moms did not write a letter to Rosie O’Donnell (who had one of hottest talk shows on tv at the time) where their son has just been hired in the mail room bragging about how talented he is and how he basically should be running her show.  Italians calls this the “my son” syndrome.

5.  Other moms did not somehow force the school district to re-route the entire bus schedule so that their child could be dropped off directly in front of their house rather than on the corner bus stop like all the other kids.

6. Other moms did not go against the wishes of their grown daughter and secretly baptize their grandchild in the laundry room sink.  With “permission” from the local priest, of course.

7. Other moms did not fill their entire car with lemons and picket in front of the car dealership (standing up through the sunroof with a giant sign that said “Lemon by BMW”) when it had mechanical problems.

lemon

8. Other moms did not bring a bottle of wine to the house of their 17 year-old daughter’s prom date and give it to his mother because “my daughter doesn’t like beer.”

9. Other moms did not tell their daughter’s new boyfriend after knowing him for five minutes that she wants another grandchild, and that at this point she doesn’t care if they get married – she will even raise the child as long as they can just make one for her.

10. Other moms did not block traffic at the roundabout in front of the high school at pick-up time as they stuck themselves out of the sunroof waving a giant bouquet of balloons and honking their horn to wish their daughter a Happy Birthday.

balloons

Yes, my mom did a lot of things other moms didn’t do.

But on second thought, perhaps other people didn’t have a home that was constantly filled with family, friends, food, and laughter.  Or a mom who let their kids’ friends live with them when they needed a place to stay.

Maybe other people didn’t have a mother that “adopted” the little old lady that would sit alone in the back of the church every week and invite her to family dinner every Sunday.

Or cook an elaborate dinner for their grown children and grandchildren every Tuesday night, year after year, making nine different dishes so everyone could have their favorites.

My mom stands only 4’11” but my entire life I never thought of my mom as small. Because to me she was always the biggest person in the room (and by biggest, I mean loudest).

But all kidding aside, from your eldest daughter who pours the milk before the cereal, to your only son who hasn’t touched a public door handle in 20 years, to your youngest daughter who will only eat ice cream with a fork – we may have turned out a little quirky, but all in all, I guess you did ok.

So grazie, my crazy Italian mother, for all those childhood memories, for being our fiercest protector, our strongest advocate, and our worst nightmare.

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29 comments on “MIA MAMMA ITALIANA (MY ITALIAN MOTHER)

  1. Lorraine Darienzo says:

    Wow! That certainly brought back memories; I was a little nuts back then! I hope you and your siblings will use your inheritance to bail me out of jail if this article gets published.

    Of course, you had me crying at the end; I guess it was all worth it if my kids still love me❤️😍

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  2. myrtle says:

    Happy Mothers day a bit early. I love this blog.

  3. Lisa says:

    That’s our GA! Well done Janene!

  4. Jami Darienzo says:

    All my friends are dying over this post. Felicia told me her stomach was hurting from laughing so hard, she wants you to write a book!

  5. Bunni says:

    I noticed your mom qualified her comment with “back then”! Now, now Lorraine, you may have tamed a bit of the beast, but you’re still the funny, loving, wonderful, giving and caring woman you’ve always been. The world is a much better place just watching you move through it.

  6. Jack says:

    jenene, you are the BEST, u crk me up

  7. robyn p. says:

    I never put an christmas ornament on a tree before I met you, now it’s part of my “tradition” each year to do it at somebody’s house somewhere. Such fun memories! The BMW lemon photo is amazing!

  8. Jessica says:

    This is SO funny!! I love your mom and am so glad you shared it. I sent it to my mom and aunt (both full italian) as we had all gone out to dinner at the end of college and they loved your mom. Hope all is well on the island!

  9. Tammy says:

    Janene, I remember so many of these. I should write one about “my Jewish mamala.” So many things would be similar! We are so lucky to have these Italian and Jewish women as our role models! My laughter turned to tears as I read this. We are so lucky to have the moms we have!!! Well done!

  10. Howie says:

    That was awesome! I love Lorraine’s world. Great job Janene. Now for a sitcom.

    • janene says:

      Howie…I already have the sitcom in my head – Lorraine and Aunt Anna on the town! How great would that be?!

  11. Cindy Young says:

    That was hilarious Janene. I’m going to show it to Marshall and I’m sure he will remember a lot of it!!

  12. I loved reading this it made me laugh because I know your mother and it made me cry because it made me think of all the crazy and embarrassing things my mom did when I was younger. The saddest part is she was right about so many things and now she is gone and she will never know that I admitted she was right. You are lucky that you were able to tell her now how much she means to you.

    • janene says:

      Thank you, Lisa. I bet your mom knew how you felt more than you think…she was so intuitive about people and also, moms just know stuff, you know?

  13. Fran Collica says:

    Janene, what can I say? I see so much of myself in your mom. Lorraine and I laugh because we are so much alike and can almost finish each other’s sentences. I always look forward to your blogs. They are so funny and always true. I am so glad we became family. Love you..

  14. Rosemary Johnson says:

    Wow I’m so impressed that you put all of these memories together! If people didn’t know your mother they would’ve thought you made this up cause no one and I mean no one would do these things expect for Lorriane. She lives everyday with intention that’s filled with Zest, passion but most of all LOVE! Your love for her comes through so eloquently. I think you should consider writing a book- maybe call it “Living with Lorriane”?

  15. Fran Smith says:

    I can attest first hand all the events are TRUE.You did neglect to mention her other son,Jason, that if not for her I don’t know what I would have done. Not only is Lorraine a crazy ,loving overindulgent, Mom and Grandma,she is all of that and more as my dear “friend”.
    I love her!!!

  16. ellen siegel says:

    love your blogs you do have a great family

  17. Christen says:

    There is never a dull moment with your mom around. Even though we have only met a few times, she offered me one of her friend’s couches and got me an awesome realtor, She also had me standing, mouth agape as the second smallest person I have ever met filled the room completely with her presence!

  18. Jack says:

    If u don’t read hebrew click on the underlined WORD. enjoy

  19. Jack says:

    guess who the photographer was???? does that mean i`m ——.

  20. Jack says:

    what do u think??????

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