Silly Amazon!

A couple of months ago, our UPS driver, Cheryl, pulled up our driveway for our near-daily Amazon delivery.  Hey, I live on an island convenient to nothing…don’t judge.   I opened the large box to find the following items:

  1. Mens tactical pants, size 46×37
  2. Four large tubes of Kirkland Signature hydrocortisone
  3. High-end Shure earphones
  4. A plastic ID badge holder
  5. Fancy mens underwear, size XXL


Thoroughly puzzled, I stared down at the items and considered two possibilities:

1.  Was my husband was leading a double life?  Computer geek by day, bounty hunter with multiple itchy rashes by night?  Yet, though my husband is a very tall guy…he is by no means a size 46×37.  Could he have grown several inches taller without me noticing?  Can 45 year old adults grow?  Is there hope for me yet??  I’m getting off track.  But just to give you an idea about the size of these pants, here they are next to a pair of my jeans, which look like toddler pants in comparison…


While mulling this over, I realized something.   I could possibly believe my husband was a very large nighttime bounty hunter.  I could maybe believe he was hiding secret rashes from me.  But I’ve known the man since he was 17 years old and he has never, ever, bought his own underwear.  Let alone fancy “Vibe” underwear.   So I went with the other possibility:

2.  Amazon had made a mistake.

I called my husband first.

“Hi, did you order extremely large tactical pants, lots of anti-itch cream, nice earphones, fancy underwear and an ID badge holder from Amazon?”

“Umm….that would be a NO.”

“Ok, thanks.”

I called Amazon next and explained the situation.  I gave them all the information from the packing slip, expecting the situation to be resolved within minutes.  After multiple holds, the representative informed me that they could not find any record of the order.

“So what does that mean?  What am I supposed to do with this stuff?” I asked.

“You can either keep it or throw it away, ma’am.”

“What?  You don’t want it back?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Seriously?  You’re going to let me keep $100 earphones?  Someone must have paid for these and obviously didn’t get their order.”

“We have no record of the order, ma’am.  You can keep the items or throw them away.  Do you have any other questions?”

“Wow.  Ok.   Yes, I do have another question.  Why are you guys selling Kirkland Signature hydrocortisone?  I thought you could only get Kirkland Signature stuff at Costco?  It was very confusing seeing a Costco product in an Amazon box.”

“Uh, I don’t really know, ma’am.”

“Oh, ok.  Thanks.”

So we scored an awesome pair of earphones, surprisingly handy anti-itch cream that we used all summer long on mosquito bites, and some other random stuff that made for a new blog post.  But every once in a while, I still wonder if there is a giant, itchy, man wandering around badgeless and possibly commando, looking for his Amazon order.  And I hope he never tracks it down, because frankly, I am terrified of that guy.

No more than a couple of weeks after this happened, I ordered this shirt from Amazon for my son, a huge Office fan, in a size mens small:


Forty-eight hours later, this is what I received in a size mens XXL:


WTF?  Another phone call to Amazon, many apologies on their part, they are shipping me out another one immediately, please keep the shirt.

Twenty-four hours later, this shows up at my door.  Again.


I call Amazon and inform them they appear to have a slight production problem.  More apologies, please keep the shirt (gee, thanks, but I already have one), advises that I wait a couple of weeks and then re-order because it may take some time to fix the issue.

So I wait a few weeks and then order the original shirt again, holding my breath as I opened the package.  And…three strikes and we’re out, folks!   Yep, we are now the owners of THREE XXL ADD shirts.  And no Michael Scott shirts.  I give up.

Oh, Amazon, you silly retailer you, I still love you and even thank you for all the amusement.  I can’t wait to see what will show up at my doorstep next.