For some reason, this is what I was thinking about when I fell asleep last night. Not about the million things I needed to get done before Christmas. Not about the orthodontist appointment I forgot to book for my son. Or the fact that I don’t even have a recent photo of my three kids to put on a Christmas card. Nope, I was quite seriously mulling over which television characters would be the best to be stranded with on a deserted island.
First and foremost, I would have to have one of the gang from “Friends”. Simply because they are the people I know the best, the voices I fall asleep to most nights. Now, I’m not claiming I know them as well as my sister does, a.k.a. the “2nd Place Friends Trivia Champion Of The Tri-State Area”, but still, we go way back.
But which one? Joey? Lovable, but not the sharpest tool in the shed. Phoebe? I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing “Smelly Cat” over and over. Ross? Too whiny. Rachel? Not tough enough for island life. Chandler? Funny, but could he BE any more neurotic? So that means my first pick has to be:
1. Monica from Friends”
I’m choosing Monica because Monica is a taskmaster and she gets shit done. Plus, she’s a chef and would be able to create more coconut inspired meals than anybody else. She’s a clean freak so our huts would all be super tidy.
Monica: “Don’t tell me what to do. I tell you what to do.”
2. William from This Is Us
I figure every deserted island needs an older, wise person. William is a poet and a musician, so he would bring some culture to my island. His monologues are epic. I mean, it got to the point where he would just appear on the screen every Tuesday night, having not said a word, and I would start to cry in anticipation of some emotional speech. Really, my kids make fun of me all the time over this.
William: “Catch the moments of your life. Catch them while you’re young and quick, because sooner than you know it, you’ll be old and slow and there will be no more of them to catch.”
3. MacGyver from MacGyver
Honestly, this show was more my brother’s jam than mine in the 80’s. I don’t even know if I’ve ever seen an episode, though I do take the liberty of saying, “Look, I MacGyvered it!” on the rare occasion I put a creative fix on something. But from what I know, he’s a handy guy to have around. I mean, you never know when you might need someone to make a bazooka out of a muffler, a gear shift knob, seat cushion stuffing and a cigarette lighter. True story.
MacGyver: “If I had some duct tape, I could fix that.”
4. Dr. Jack Shepherd from Lost
Now, I knew I’d need a doctor on my island and this was a tough one…so many to choose from. Do I go with straight up brilliant and choose Gregory House from “House” who could diagnose mysterious island illnesses? But the guy is such an ass. Or choose a doctor who’s easy on the eyes like McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy? Doogie? Too young. Nah..I had to go with Jack. He’s got it all…young, smart, good looking. Plus, bonus points for having a ton of experience with deserted islands.
Jack: “If we can’t live together, we’re gonna die alone.”
5. Joanna Gaines from Fixer Upper
Now, I realize that she is a real person, not a television character. But I figure if we’re all stuck living on a deserted island, we might as well have the only “farmhouse chic” huts in all the world. Imagine…every hut with great curb appeal, shiplap, porch swings, cozy fireplaces, subway tile, oversized clocks, vintage maps. All painted the perfect shades of white and gray. Sigh.
Joanna: “My passion is to help people create beautiful and meaningful spaces in their home or hut.” Ok, ok, she didn’t really say the hut part.
6 & 7. Jack McFarland and Karen Walker from Will and Grace
I’m going to need some entertainment on my island and there’s no one that makes me laugh harder than these two. I couldn’t choose between them so I’m taking them both. Who can forget Karen coaching Jack to victory in the Gay Spelling Bee, a.k.a. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Spell”?
(Karen, to Jack): “No one in the world would believe you’re straight. You’re as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy… and ya did ’em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.”
Karen: “God didn’t give me the ability to play the piano, or paint a picture, or have compassion. But he did give me the ability to crack a walnut with my hoo-ha.” (Which could come in handy on the island).
Jack: “There’s no shame in getting old. There’s only shame in getting ugly.”
8. Sue Heck from The Middle
Sue may not seem like an obvious choice for this list but I would imagine being stranded on an island could get a bit discouraging. And in the face of adversity, there is no one more encouraging than Sue Heck. The fact that she gets overlooked and knocked down time after time is no match for her undying optimism. Sue would be everyone’s cheerleader.
Sue: “Embarrassment is an important part of sports. My coach told me that.”
9 & 10. Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon from 30 Rock
Honestly, I chose these two solely because maybe being stranded on an island would be what it would take for them to finally end up together. Bonus if they had a child together…the most important question being “would the baby be a Republican or a Democrat?”
Liz: “Why are you wearing a tux?”
Jack: “It’s after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?”
Jack: “Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?”
Liz: “Lovers. Oh… that word bums me out unless it’s between the words meat and pizza.”
So that’s my list. And I just noticed that three of my ten people are named Jack. Which is also my son’s name. Perhaps I should have titled this list “Just Jack!”. Which you’ll only understand if you watch Will and Grace. And really, if you don’t, you should start. Not sure if we can be friends otherwise.
So who’s on your your deserted island list? Feel free to share!