Resolutions Vs. Reality

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Though I normally don’t partake in the whole “New year, New me” philosophy, last year I actually wrote a New Years Resolutions list. I just came across it and decided to share a few of them along with updates on how well I fared.

RESOLUTION #1: I will begin an exercise regimen that includes strength training and aerobic activity.

REALITY:
Strength training:  Well, I didn’t exactly lift dumbbells or do, like, a push-up or anything. But I recently had a very bad cough which gave my abdominal muscles quite the work out. I’m waiting for my six-pack to show up any day now.  Also, if you count moving the dead weight of a sleeping 75 pound Labrador from my spot on the couch every night to his blanket, then I did awesome on this one.

Aerobic Activity:  I signed up to run a half-marathon last spring. Paid the fee and everything. Unfortunately, I did not actually run the half-marathon. Or show up at all. But it was months of great fun imagining I was going to do it. In November I did go on a walk. There was a hill and I got tired. Does that count?

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RESOLUTION#2:  I will go to Costco and buy only ONE item. I don’t know if this is humanly possible, as I have never been witness to this feat, but I will try.

REALITY:  I totally did it! In October I went to Costco and purchased only a tub of mini coffee cakes. I know, you’d think my one item would’ve been something more essential, like toilet paper, but honestly, I needed those mini coffee cakes more. And I’m not counting the 14 samples I scarfed down while proudly strolling through Costco with my one item because those were all FREE.

RESOLUTION #3:  I will part with my maternity sweatpants (hey, I just had a baby 9 years ago) even though they are perfect for Thanksgiving and PMS days. Also, it is the only article of clothing I own that used to be too small and is now too big. Sigh. 

REALITY: They’re gone. It was bittersweet. However, my maternity pajama pants were not part of the deal. Those stayed and will stay until they cause me physical harm. I say this because I was wearing them yesterday morning and they nearly did cause me physical harm. You see, the bottoms are all ripped and somehow they got caught in part of the vacuum cleaner and I kind of had to fight my way out of a crazy situation. But I escaped unscathed and we’re still good, me and my shredded pajama pants. Just need to be a little more careful around household appliances, that’s all.

RESOLUTION #4:  I will not charge anything on my credit card that costs less than $3.00.  ***Except when in the vicinity of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop or other similar emergency.

REALITY:  I am unresoluting this resolution. I hate using cash. I hate cashiers giving me a handful of potentially virus ridden coins and warm dollar bills that were just stuffed in somebody else’s pants. A little family background: my grandfather washed his money. Not in the “money laundering” sense. In the literal sense, with the clean bills hung up on a clothesline to dry. When I was a child I’d go to his house and see the crisp money hanging there in the basement. I remember being like “Wow, that’s so cool”.  Then, as I got older, I was like, “Wow, that’s a little weird.” But the guy had a point…cash is gross.

RESOLUTION #5: I will conquer my fear of spiders, lice, flying, sharks, vomiting, and public restroom door handles. Also, items on the top shelf of the grocery store, which I cannot reach without a full-scale climbing mission. Also, my fear of paying full-price for something because I forgot my coupon. Also, people with really clean cars, I fear them a little. New iPhone updates…so scary, I just keep hitting “Remind Me Later”. You know, this list is getting a bit overwhelming so perhaps I should just enlist the help of a therapist to determine why I have so many damn neuroses.

REALITY:  I have conquered nothing. I am still terrified of every single thing on that list plus let’s now add the aggressive, giant raccoon that shows up every night at our back door to eat our feral cat’s food. Living in the woods ain’t no joke, people.

Screw hiring a therapist…I may now have enough issues to actually become one.

RESOLUTION #6:  I will stop making excuses to justify buying Groupons that I will never use. Am I really going to go on a Segway tour of my local city? Which, upon further thought, would involve a rental helmet and a high-risk lice situation? Hell, no. 95% off tattoo removal? Such a great deal but first I would have to A) get a tattoo and B) grow to hate my tattoo. 75% off a storage unit rental? Fabulous, I can use it to store all my unused Groupons. 

REALITY:  In January of this year I simply clicked “Unsubscribe” and kicked this resolutions ass!

Well, I hope you fared a little better with your New Year’s Resolutions than I did with mine.  Best wishes for a great 2018!

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