20 of the Best Tweets From the Hilarious “Sarcastic Mommy”

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 16, 2019

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 24, 2022

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2020

I don't know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 9, 2023

Did a huge grocery shopping trip today & then ordered Chinese food for dinner because that’s the unwritten law.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 17, 2022

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 1, 2023

My husband said he’s taking me somewhere expensive for dinner, with a smirk on his face.

I swear to God, if it’s to the gas station, it’s over.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2022

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 20, 2019

My kid discovered how much my husband makes a year and said, "Wow, you guys would be so rich if you didn't have us" and I think about this more than I should.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 1, 2022

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 24, 2019

Trying to decide on a school portrait package that’s somewhere between “I care but I don’t need my son’s face on a kitchen towel.”

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 5, 2018

Took my son out for his 1st driving lesson.

Zero out of 5 stars. Do not recommend.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 3, 2017

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 16, 2019

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 6, 2020

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I'd be missing out.

Oh please, don't leave me home with electricity & running water.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 5, 2017

My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago.

Do I just leave & start my new life now?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 4, 2021

My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2018

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it won’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 18, 2021

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017

Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018