20 Spot-On Tweets About Marriage from the Hilarious Simon Holland

If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020

Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 20, 2021

My wife and I share the household chores so we both do equal work. For example, I just folded a load of towels and then she re-folded them the “right” way.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 6, 2021

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2021

My wife just started measuring a wall in our house and I don’t know what she’s up to but its probably going to be expensive.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2021

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 21, 2021

My wife just rolled over to me in bed and whispered, “I know it’s late but do you want to have cheese toast?” That, my friends, is how you keep the romance alive.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2021

The worst thing you can do when you are in a fight with your wife is fall asleep easily that night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 18, 2021

I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 2, 2021

My wife brought home low sodium bacon and now I understand what it means when someone says they love you but they aren't IN LOVE with you.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2021

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 16, 2023

My wife and I agreed not to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day but I can’t stop feeling nervous.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2021

Everyday is Prime Day when you’re married to my wife.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2020

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 28, 2020

My wife is pretty bad at math until she starts explaining how much money she saved at Kohl’s.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2020

After many years of marriage, the one piece of advice I can give is this:

For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2020

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of happy hour after work we can pick the onions out of their meatloaf and get in a fight about 4th grade math.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 9, 2021

You ever just spend 2 years talking about air fryers with your spouse and still not be sure if it’s worth the counter space sacrifice?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 15, 2020

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019

Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019