25 Priceless Quips From the Funniest, Sassiest Grandma on Twitter

I'm starting my fourth (4th) spiral notebook of people who have wronged me.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) November 10, 2018

For the love of God clean your toaster crumb tray.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 3, 2019

Single-ply is what happens when men are left to make important decisions.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 31, 2018

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 16, 2017

Back in the day we didn’t “order” “Edible Arrangements.”

We carried Crockpots and rang doorbells with our bare hands.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) February 13, 2018

If you can’t walk three (3) laps around the mall without succumbing to the siren call of Cinnabon, then maybe mall walking is not the sport for you.

cc: Barb

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 13, 2018

I carry a whistle to the grocery store in case someone violates the sanctity of the "15 Items Or Less" lane.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 24, 2018

I feel disappointed when obituaries don't include the cause of death.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 2, 2019

I’m still recovering from finding suds on my decorative seashell soaps.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 28, 2017

I just saw Chips Ahoy cookies at Church Coffee Hour. Sometimes one must open a window, take a deep breath, and count to infinity. pic.twitter.com/mbo8YeCxXs

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 15, 2023

The cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond gave me a dirty look when I handed her my laminated 20%-off coupon. She doesn't know who she's dealing with.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 20, 2018

People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 29, 2020

I exact revenge on young drivers who text through green lights when I write checks at the grocery store.

Penmanship#

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 6, 2018

Here comes Helen with her last-minute CVS endcap gift.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 22, 2017

Lois has had Covid since 1972. I know this because she’s never had taste.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 24, 2021

I’m still not over Bob Barker leaving The Price Is Right.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 29, 2017

Though it takes extra effort, I clip my coupons with scallop-edge scissors to bring extra cheer to the Kohl's cashiers.

GivingBack#

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 1, 2018

During the virtual book club meeting, I saw my missing Pyrex lid on Helen’s counter.

😡

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) April 22, 2020

Please excuse me while I rage crochet.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 10, 2021

I want to live in a pharmaceutical ad, where people wave to each other over picket fences, catch fish by sparkling lakes, ride bicycles along sun dappled streets, and giggle through a long list of possible side effects.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 9, 2021

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) May 15, 2018

Dear Young People,

I don’t “throw shade.”

I launch it.

MT

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 9, 2018

A unknown white car just turned around in my driveway. Fortunately I was able to write down the license number.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 2, 2019

When I storm out of a room, I make sure I’m wearing my clickity-clackiest shoes.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) October 26, 2020

You haven’t lived until you’ve slammed down a rotary phone.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) April 17, 2021